The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
