Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
