i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
