Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
