Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
