It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
