Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
