After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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