There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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