Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
