I feel like abortions should bother me more
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
