Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
