If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
