I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
