have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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