i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
