Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
