I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
