There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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