Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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