Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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