All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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