You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
