I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
