I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
