apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
