sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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