Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
