Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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