I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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