sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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