The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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