he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
