That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
