I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
