I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
