If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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