I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
