He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
