We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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