Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
