Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
