apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
