so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
