You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
