I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
