When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
