nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
