Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
