Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
