He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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