Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
